DJ Cosine 12/02

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DJ Cosine 11/02

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DJ Cosine Previews Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers

Thanks again to our resident movie critic and DJ extraordinaire, Cheston Sobande.

Coming to a theater near you Dec. 18.

If you are one of the pathetic losers who haven't read Lord of the Rings, at least twice, you are in luck, there is still hope. A hairy hobbit-looking fellow by the name of Peter Jackson has brought the masterpiece that is Lord of the Rings to the big screen. This Wednesday, The Two Towers, the second part (not to be confused with a sequel) of Lord of the Rings will be released. What can you expect? The best movie, EVER.

I know, I know, some of you tasteless idiots have complained about the length of the first movie, saying three hours is "too long," but don't worry; this one is only a minute longer. I've also heard complaints about how The Fellowship was slow and dawdling, not enough action. Make sure you lay off the 128 oz sodas; you will piss awe-inspiring amounts of urine all over yourself, the theater floor, and the shitless audience members beside you. Without spoiling the movie let me give you some background. When we left off, the Fellowship's been split, Lurtz the added character kills Boromir, he's killed, and his Orc buddies take Merry and Pippin, the stoned funny hobbits. Frodo and Sam tell Aragorn (strider, or big human with sword if you're having trouble with names) they're heading to Mordor. Aragorn, Gimli (the dwarf), and Legolas (the elf) try to find Merry and Pippin. Pippin spend some time with the Orcs, then they run away, into this funky forest and run into these funky tree looking thinks that walk and talk, sing, and do everything in slow-mo (like some freaky hippy acid trip). The Ents go Medieval on Saruman's ass. Frodo and Sam, foolishly go off and try to destroy the ring, when he could've easily gone to the pawn shop in the shire, smoked some pipe-weed, and forgotten about the whole thing, damn one ring. They go through these super-weird marshes, and see all these dead bodies, and right behind them at every step of the trip is Gollum. You'll have to se it for yourself. Gimli, Legolas, and Aragorn look for Merry and Pippin, always a few hours behind them, they meet up with the Riders of Rohan, skip ahead a hundred pages and Helms Deep, the climactic, 45-minute battle scene that caps the movie. It's sure to leave a wet spot. The Two Towers is bigger, faster, and packs twice the punch; make sure not to miss this one.